Christmastime can be difficult. Here are some suggestions.
For people who have experienced a major loss or are dealing with some other sort of trauma, Christmastime can be the most difficult time of the year.
Finding authentic joy amidst the chaos and clamor can seem impossible, but it doesn’t have to be.
“Accepting support from those around you and being open to the possibility of finding joy while grieving are great places to start,” said Allison Kemble, MSW, LCSW, outreach counselor and director of accommodation at Father Tolton Regional Catholic High School in Columbia.
She offered several steps people can take to get through difficult times, not just at Christmastime but at any time of the year:
- maintain emotional well-being by putting your needs first and accepting that you are doing your best (even if that looks different than in years past);
- create a plan for how to get through difficult times (especially how to get through triggering events), and
- ask for someone to walk the journey with you.
She said the best thing anyone can do when ministering to people who are struggling at this time of year is “to just be there for them.”
“You don’t have to know or truly understand what they’re going through, because we all have different lived experiences, and that’s okay,” she said. “We cannot ‘fix’ the grief that someone feels, but we can be there during times of need.”
People often get so caught up in the fun and cheerful aspects of the season that they forget about the people who might be struggling during this time of year.
“Or we don’t know what to say or do when we know someone is struggling, so it’s easier to not acknowledge it at all out of fear that we might say or do the wrong thing,” said Mrs. Kemble.
Something as simple as a text message can make a big difference to someone who recently lost a loved one and is experiencing loneliness.
“Let them know you’re thinking of them and that you’re grateful for them,” Mrs. Kemble suggested. “Or ask if they have time to catch up amidst the craziness of the holiday season.”
Turning to their rock
A woman once spoke to Sister Ruth Ann Klauser of the School Sisters of Notre Dame about how the death of her mother interrupted her childhood.
The woman’s mother loved shopping at Christmas for people who might otherwise get missed.
“So, to help live with their mother’s sudden death, she and her sisters have followed in her footsteps and shop for those in need,” said Sr. Ruth Ann, who visits people in nursing homes or those who are homebound in the Kirksville area.
That story came to mind when Sr. Ruth Ann was asked about how to help people seek authentic joy at Christmastime despite dealing with recent loss or other negative experiences.
“You listen,” she said. “That’s one of the main things. And understand where they were in their life, and where they are today, and the acceptance that comes with that.”
Sr. Ruth Ann frequently recalls her parents telling her that God gave her two ears and one mouth so that she would listen twice as much as she would speak.
“Listening to people’s life experiences of sadness due to loss gives me a wonderful perspective in life,” she stated. “Having them share how they move forward even with this loss to further develop the person God wants them to be is a real inspiration to me.”
She takes notice of the twinkle in the eyes of the people she visits as they open their hands to receive the Lord in the Most Blessed Sacrament.
“Their calmness and peace as we pray together the Lord’s Prayer,” said Sr. Ruth Ann. “Their humbleness as they say, ‘Lord, I am not worthy’ — I see how their deep trust, love and faith in the Lord helps them to live each moment.”
She listens to them express how blessed they have been with their family, their friends and other caring people who show God’s love for them daily.
“Even when they think of a loss and sadness comes to mind, they smile and think of all the blessings that came along with this loss,” she said. “They try to live each day knowing that God is their strong rock and that he will one day call them to their eternal home.”
You’re never alone
Sister Mary Jo Polak is a member of the Benedictine community at Sacred Heart Monastery in Yankton, South Dakota.
She previously belonged to the former Our Lady of Peace Benedictine Monastery in Columbia from 1977 until its closing in 2010 and served for a time as prioress.
As a certified counselor, she ministered to many people in and near Columbia and Jefferson City.
For this story, she chose to reflect on Christmas through her theology of sufferings, rather than from a counselor’s perspective.
She emphasized that Christmas at its heart is not sugar plum fairies and twinkling lights.
“We have to look at the reality of Christ’s Incarnation — that Jesus was really born in a dirty stable, that the Holy Family had to flee for his life, that they lived in an occupied country,” she stated.
“Christ entered into our messes and understands them,” she said. “He came because he loves us and wanted to be with us in our sickness, fatigue, loneliness, even our anger.”
The prophet Isaiah looked ahead to the Savior as Emmanuel, which means “God with Us.”
“God may not solve our problems,” she assured. “But God IS with us throughout our struggle.”
Holding on and letting go
Mrs. Kemble noted that people who are struggling at Christmastime often don’t feel like joining in on “traditional” holiday festivities, because events that carry strong memories can also be very triggering.
“Or they may just be emotionally exhausted and not quite up to it this year,” she said. “However, that doesn’t necessarily mean that they want to be left alone.”
She encourages her students to get creative and do something non-traditional instead.
“Offer to bring dinner and a movie to the person instead of trying to drag them out to the Christmas party,” she suggested. “Or if they’re adamant that they aren’t up for a visit, at least let them know that you’re thinking of them and praying for them.”
Walking alongside someone during their time of need shows support and doesn’t have to cost anything other than time and prayers.
Mrs. Kemble noted this time of year can be very hard for her students and for adolescents in general.
Many students look forward to the upcoming break and celebrating Christmas and New Years, but this can feel like the worst time of year for some others.
The cause could be a recent loss or traumatic event or something more natural that many unknowingly overlook.
“The cold weather and darker days can bring on seasonal depression,” she noted. “And the stress of preparing for final exams and getting that ‘final’ grade that will be on their transcript forever can induce debilitating anxiety.”
Many high school seniors begin to realize that this is their “last” Christmas at home before they move on to college and may never live at home again.
“This is not necessarily a bad thing, but a dynamic shift, nonetheless,” said Mrs. Kemble.
Transitions in general are difficult for many students, especially when they’re struggling with something at home or with their current stage of life.
Mrs. Kemble spends much of her time in the weeks leading up to Christmas Break working with students who have had a traumatic event in the past or who are not handling the stress of the season very well, to make sure they have the additional support they need to get through this time.
That support looks different for every student, but there are common themes:
- First, she reminds students to put their mental health first.
“During times of grief and sorrow, sometimes just getting out of bed and maintaining simple hygiene can seem daunting,” she noted. “Add in the extras that go along with the holiday season, and it can seem unbearable.”
Helping to reframe priorities to ensure good emotional well-being is essential in processing traumatic events and experiences successfully.
“I remind them that it’s okay to say no if they don’t feel up to doing something during the holiday season,” she said. “Saying ‘no’ to someone else is saying ‘yes’ to you, and you know what you need the most.”
- She then encourages them make a solid plan.
“Sometimes, the fear of the unknown is the hardest part,” she noted. “Making a plan for how you’re going to face the challenges of each day is crucial, especially when grieving or going through a difficult time.”
- The next step is to focus on things in small increments, or one task at a time.
“For example, choosing just one exam to focus on first, then once you feel good and have a plan for how you’re going to study for that exam, move on to the next,” she suggested.
Similarly, she encourages planning for how to get through a specific event or day that might bring back traumatic memories or strong emotions, rather than looking at the holiday season as a whole.
- Finally, she advises students to lean on their support systems.
“Asking for help can be the hardest thing to do, especially if you don’t know what you need,” she said.
Many people don’t want to be a burden on their loved ones or make life more difficult for them.
“My response to that is always to just be there for each other,” said Mrs. Kemble. “Communication is key. If you’re at a good point in your life, reach out to those who you know are struggling.
“And conversely, if you find yourself in a place of grief or sorrow, reach out for support,” she said. “You don’t have to endure difficult times alone.”
